tlug: Fw: Joke: May 28: - Microsoft Nukes Washington (fwd)

[Jonathan Byrne - 3Web <jq@example.com>]

OK, I've had two votes for and none against, which seems to constitute an
absolute majority on this slow Saturday (where is everybody?), so here's
the Microsoft joke from Joke of the Day (pre- and post-joke advertising
has been removed for brevity).

Enjoy!

Jonathan


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>               MICROSOFT NUKES WASHINGTON
>                          - Submitted by A. K. Smith
>              ------------------------------------
>
>REDMOND  --World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
>Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear
>test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The
>device, exploded at9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT)
today,
>was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the
US
>Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>
>
>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its
products
>by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates.
>"Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there
would
>be few tears shedin the computer industry if Washington, DC
>(not Washington State) were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
fire."
>
>
>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I
>nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer"
explained
>University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover,
"At
>first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking,
damn,
>there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>
>
>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US
Government
>would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes
later,
>the President reversed his decision.  "We've tried
sanctions
>since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.
Instead,
>the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive
>engagement" with Microsoft.
>
>
>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
>the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the
>Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not
only
>did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade
plutonium"
>in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a
place
>to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
>
>Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products
>with rival operating systems. "I can neitherconfirm nor
deny
>the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator
inside
>of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but
anyone
>who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
>the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
>
>
>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor
>would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel
>Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat
>than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of
>MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold
fusion."
>
>
>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is
underway
>in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems.
>"They're doing all of the development work in Java," said
one
>source close to the project. The development of a delivery
>system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb
>anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
>
>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO
Steve
>Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry
>Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against
>Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has
developed
>in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be
around
>when they drop that product a second time."
>
>
>At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft shares rose
>12% for an all time high, while confidence dipped in the US
>government (GOV), lowering its shares by 3% for one day
>drop in market capitalization of $800 Billion.
>
>
>
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