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[ Fwd: Hotline]

Don't blame me, I really wasn't planning on sending this out, but
Steve and George started it!  It's long, so I don't suggest starting
on it if you need to do anything within the next hour (smirk---you
can't put it down, it's too good!)

Date: Thu, 13 Jun 1996 13:18:32 -0400
Subject: Fwd: Hotline

Hi, gang! Looks like the BOFH (bastard operator from hell) is back in

Forwarded message:
From: (G Gordon Liddy)
Date: 96-06-13 12:53:04 EDT

From: BDay
To: GGLiddy
Subject: FW: Hotline
Date: Wednesday, June 12, 1996 7:01PM

A Help Desk Log

 JP called to say he forgot password.  Told him to use password
 retrieval utility called FDISK.  Blissfully ignorant, he thanks me
 hangs up.  God, we let him vote and drive, too?

 Finance called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.
 Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."
 Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS
 and plugged their server back in.  Suggested they try it again.  One
 more happy customer...

 8:14 am
 User from 8:05 call said he received error message "Error accessing
 Drive O".  Told him it was an OS problem.  Transferred him to

 11:00 am
 Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support phone
 back in so I can call my boyfriend.  Says parents are coming into
 this weekend.  Put him on hold and transferred him to janitorial
 closet down in basement.  What is he thinking?  The "Doom" nationals
 are this weekend!

 11:34 am
 Another user calls (do they ever learn?).  Says they want ACL changed

 on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
 database.  Tell them no problem.  Hang up.  Change ACL.  Add
 so performance reviews are sent to */US.

 12:00 pm

 3:30 pm
 Return from lunch.

 3:55 pm
 Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for no
 reason.  Return to napping.

 4:23 pm
 Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
 Ask him what chip set he's  using.  Tell him to call back when he

 4:55 pm
 Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
 something to do.

 8:30 am
 Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy.  Terrible
 with Save/Replication conflicts.

 9:00 am
 Supervisor arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on
 PhoneNotes SmartIcon.  "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something in
 calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
 have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling.

 9:35 pm
 Team leader from IIF Team needs ID for new employee. Tell him he
 form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Says he never heard of such a form.  Tell
 him it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say he never heard of such a

 database.  Transfer him to janitorial closet in basement.

 10:00 am
 Hot sounding intern from IIF Team calls and says he needs new ID.
 Tell him I need employee number, department name, manager name, and
 marital status.  Run against state parole board database,
 Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database.
 No hits.  Tell him ID will be ready tonight.  Drawing from the
 learned in last week's "Re-engineering for Customer Partnership," I
 offer to personally deliver ID to his apartment.

 10:07 am
 Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
 Offer to train him on Lotus Notes.  Begin now.  Let him watch console

 while I grab a chew.

 1:00 pm
 Return from chew.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
 them to cafeteria lady.  I like this guy.

 1:05 pm
 Big commotion!  Supervisor falls in hole left when I pulled floor
 tiles outside his office door.  Stress to him importance of not
 running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

 1:15 pm
 Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
 form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience and tell them I will
 fix it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

 1:20 pm
 Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls for
 "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats".  She's not sure--couldn't hear over

 industrial-grade blender.  Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
 Maybe the food distributor with a new product?  She thinks about it
 and hangs up.

 2:00 pm
 Director's secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to
 check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell her
 it probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put duct tape
 over all the airvents she can find on the PC.  Grudgingly offer to
 create new ID for her while she does that.

 2:49 pm
 Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day.

 8:30 am
 Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.

 Tell him, "Of course, you should have been checking 'bitset' not
 'chipset'." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

 Supervisor, with foot in cast, returns to office.  Schedules 10:00am
 meeting with me.  User calls and wants to talk to supervisor about
 terrible help at support desk.  Tell them the supervisor is about to
 go into meeting.  Sometimes life hands you material...

 10:00 am
 Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.  Go to

 He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career
 moves.  Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with
 moderate to heavy political turmoil.  By-and-by, I ask if he's aware
 of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and
 puts all references to handcuffs and Bruno on the base Web page.
 Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and

 10:30 am
 Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him mainframe
 corporate PBX system sometime.

 11:00 am

 4:55 pm
 Return from lunch.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change.  Going home.

 8:00 am
 New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids!" I offer.  Show him
 server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him up with
 IBM PC-XT.  Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
 monochrome and color.

 8:45 am
 New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID for
 him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab chew.

 9:30 am
 Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids!" Louie
 comments.  Is this guy great or what?!

 11:00 am
 Beat Louie in dominos game.  Louie leaves.  Fish spare dominos out of

 sleeves ("Always have backups").  User calls.  Says IIF Team server
 down.  Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and

 plug back into hub.  Tell user to try again.  Another happy customer!

 11:55 am
 Brief Marvin on Policy 98.022.01:

 "Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall
 all proper aspects, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance
 and relief to senior technical analyst on shift."

 Marvin doubts.  I point to "Policy" database (a fine piece of work,
 I say so myself!).  "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO
 peppers!"  I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get
 exit door.

 1:00 pm
 Oooooh!  Pizza makes me so sleepy...

 4:30 pm
 Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

 5:00 pm
 Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
 testing the On/Off button).  See ya tomorrow.

 8:00 am
 Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
 them it worked fine before I left.

 9:00 am
 Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these calls
 myself.  Unforward phones from Mailroom.

 9:02 am
 Yep.  A user call.  Users in Ohio can't replicate.  Me and the Ouija
 board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call Telecommunications.

 9:30 am
 Good God, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San Diego
 and can't replicate with Ohio.  Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
 two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the server back

 10:17 am
 Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell them

 to set server ahead three hours.

 11:00 am
 E-mail from the 6th Floor says for everybody to quit resetting the
 time on their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it to
 Colorado Springs.

 11:20 am
 Finish macro.  Put phone back on hook.

 11:23 am
 Colorado Springs calls, asks what day it is.

 11:25 am
 Supervisor stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So hard to get

 good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has appointment
 orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on
 weekly department head meeting for him.  "No problem!"

 11:30 am
 Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
 meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff" I
 tell him.

 12:00 am

 1:00 pm
 Start full backups on UNIX server.  Route them to /dev/null to make
 them fast.

 1:03 pm
 Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology!

 2:30 pm
 Look in supervisor's contact management database.  Cancel 2:45pm
 appointment for him.  He really should be at home resting, you know.

 2:39 pm
 New user calls.  Says she wants to learn how to create a connection
 document. Tell her to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
 Says PC rebooted.  Tell her to call microsupport.

 2:50 pm
 Supervisor calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment
 cancelled.  Says he's just going to go on home.  Ask him if he's seen

 corporate Web page lately.

 3:00 pm
 Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working.
 Suggest they place at end of formula.  Promise to
 them document addendum which says so.

 4:00 pm
 Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also set

 pointsize to "2" in help databases.

 4:30 pm
 User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell them to

 go to view, do a "Edit--Select All", hit delete key, and then
 refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

 4:45 pm
 Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell them
 I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.

 4:58 pm
 Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not (too)

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